omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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