You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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