Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
