So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
