so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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