I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
