Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
