Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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