Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
