Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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