She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
