You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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