I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
