Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
