I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
