Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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