I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
