One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
