woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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