I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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