I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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