i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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