My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
