Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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