her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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