i just wanna soil my oats bro
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
