I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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