The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i need some magic done to my vagina
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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