now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
