My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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