I am midnight drunk by noon
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
