His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
