It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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