...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
