Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
