i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm like, not good at living.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
