Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
