Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
