I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
