my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
