i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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