mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
