When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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