i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Michael Bay diarrhea
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
