Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
