I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
