last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
