Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
