yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
