A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
