So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize