i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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