Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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