look no pants
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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