be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I need a hoe opinion
go on
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
