In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
