Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
