Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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