Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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