Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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