Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
