Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
