I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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