She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
