I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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