Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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