I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
