It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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