someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
