So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
